Prom season gets crazier and crazier every year. In order to surprise and delight that lucky girl (or guy), prospective askers need to think up never-before-seen strategies, because where’s the fun in reusing an idea?
But how do these askers know when they’ve gone too far? How do these romantics know where to draw the line? It’s a common problem on high school campuses around the nation, and as all of the good and interesting ideas inevitably get used up, things can only get worse from here.
In order to show you what going too far looks like, and to make you feel a lot better about your own Prom strategies, I’m shining some light on some of my more infamous Prom-asking ideas, reviled by critics, friends and (probably) futures dates alike.
- (Almost) all is fair in love and ninja battles
Hire a team of 20-30 actors, all dressed in full ninja regalia, to walk up to the girl and ask her to Prom at the same time after one of her classes. They then exchange glances, and a full-scale battle royale ensues. After four to five minutes of heart-pumping taekwondo and mixed martial arts — assuming the girl hasn’t yet run away in fright — you can rip off your own mask, revealing yourself to be the true winner, having fairly (sort of) defeated all of the opponents. After stepping over your actors and whipping a rose out of your pocket, you can then triumphantly ask her to Prom, having proven yourself both worthy and incredibly manly.
- Romantic graveyard getaway
Solemnly walk up to the girl, and ask if she wants to take a walk through the local cemetery to visit your grandmother’s grave. Really play up the emotions, maybe wipe some tears away as you walk through the cemetery. When you finally get to the edge with the girl, dramatically gesture toward the grave you prepared beforehand, with the words “Will you go to Prom with me?” chiseled into the stone, over your grandmother’s name.
- Wild goose chase scavenger hunt
Scavenger hunts are common practice for promposals these days. Many involve referencing sentimental objects and locations from the relationship between the asker and askee, tied together with clues. Don’t let your date off easy, though, and risk insulting her intelligence. Challenging a girl to line up landmarks with celestial bodies, decipher messages on ancient documents, and find secret passageways is a great way to show her that you care. If you’ve ever seen the Nicholas Cage classic, “National Treasure,” you can probably get a good idea of what I’m talking about. This might also serve as a good test if you’re looking for an Illuminati-hunting buddy. Heck, you might even find the Illuminati while setting up the challenges. Win-win!
- Scrimping skywriting
Take the prospective girl out for a peaceful walk through the park. Near the end of the walk, sit down next to her on a bench where the sky can very clearly be seen. Now, with one hand, hold a picture of a photoshopped skywriting pattern, asking her to Prom. With the other hand, shortly after, point up at the sky where the picture is, and say “Look at that!” She will surely be tricked, and find the gesture incredibly romantic, and you will be able to pocket that romantic cash for yourself. This is probably more effective for girls with less-than-average eyesight.
- Art of the Deal: Bargaining tactics
This one is certainly the king of all dangerous promposals, especially if you don’t really know the girl very well. After taking her on a romantic schoolside stroll, you can get down on one knee, present a ring to her and give her the old proposal speech one-two. She will be very taken aback and offended, which makes it the perfect opportunity to spring the truth on her. She will be relieved and delighted to find out that it was all an innocent ruse, and that you, in fact, only want to take her to Prom.
- Prosecute your way to Prom
Girls sign all sorts of Terms of Service agreements nowadays, with the great proliferation of new social media platforms and websites. I doubt that anyone has ever read one of these all the way through, so that makes them these agreements perfect targets for Prom trickery. Call up one of these site’s legal advisors and make them add a “Prom clause” to the document. When the girl signs the Terms of Service, she will have to make the choice between going to Prom with you or being sued to the moon by your crack team of lawyers.
If any of you readers try these ideas, make sure to warn me in advance so I can watch the magic unfold. I might even throw in a free burrito for the favor. If the girl seems especially appalled, saying that you thought it was April 1 can give you an easy out just in case.